The Beginning
August 26, 2015 - My hope. Is that even if I don't know if anybody reads this. You don't need to comment on it. You don't need to do anything. All I hope is that if you read this. That it will help someone who needs to read something that God speaks to you through me. That I may be an outlet of words to those who need to hear them in their hearts. That just through this simple little space I call my blog, that I can help a life. Even if only one. Even if I know you in person. I hope that this part of me that I write out in my heart, will help another. And show another what God's wondrous works do. That prayer and listening to His words will show you that He is real. And He is alive.
August 22, 2015 - I just reread all of what I had written before on this page. And guess what. I had forgotten most of it. I feel slightly sad that I hadn't remembered what I had written here, as it is so deeply important to me. But also, I felt a pulse, and a flutter in me, as it was like reading it for the first time. And seeing the words I have written in times of strength and truth, for me in the times of hardship, pain, or confusion. My life is never going to be the same as it once was. Not a day, not a week, not a year. Not a moment. All of it is past, thought all of it was once a future. To me. I live my life differently than I had planned at a younger age. Though more and more I am slowly seeing pieces of a world I had once envisioned come to life. Parts of me are more broken than others, and even with daily struggles of simply the things that life bring, I am becoming someone better. More me. More a lady and woman of God. I have had both my faith and my trust tested before, and to say that writing this comes easily knowing that anyone could read it, is half lie, half truth. Because I am putting myself on the spot. I am writing words that I will read again in a months time, or possibly even longer. And I will know that a me of the past had the guts and the courage to write something that has effected me in the future. I've discovered old journal entries, old letters, heck, I've found old scraps of paper from 2007 with just a random scribble on them that have something on them that shows me. It shows me. It shows me before the world got inside my head! Before the things of life gathered and rivaled itself before me. Before society was even a word in my vocabulary. So many things! So much crap in this life has put stress, and hurt, and pain in my and people I loves hearts. But underneath it all.... underneath absolutely everything. Whispers. Whispers of a life that had a playful, thoughtful, and in some senses perfect mind. I will not say I have been ruined. Because that is not what it is. I have not been destroyed, because that is not the same as what this is. Losing the innocence of a childhood, is something that is both painful, but part of life. But what does that even mean. A part of life. Innocence is something that does not equal ignorance.
Ignorance: Lack of knowledge or information.
Innocence: Lack of guile or corruption.
You can be one without the other, because it works both ways. That is a fact of life. But just as this is.
Knowledge: facts, information, and skills acquired by a person through experience or education.
Experience: practical contact with and observation of facts or events.
Wisdom: the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment; the quality of being.
How does one equal with the other, yet manage to be unable to surpass one without attaining or granting the other. Knowledge, you gain through learning, but in learning you gain the experience of knowing what you need to do to attain more knowledge. But in that, you have experience, the experience which grants you the wisdom to know what to do, whilst also attaining the knowledge of the subject matter. They go hand in hand, and none of them stop. You cannot remove one without the others suffering in return. You remove knowledge, you are also losing the wisdom. However, knowledge may come after experience, which should gain you wisdom. Yet wisdom may only come after knowledge has been attained. You may have knowledge, and yet not experience. You may have experience, but not knowledge. Yet you cannot have wisdom, without either of the aforementioned.
How to live in a life where things prove to be both deadly and cruel. That is a thing many have wondered, and sadly many more shall. But yet for all we have a hope. And that is God, and the holy trinity. Father God, Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ. All three. To be in a place where you know Him, is to be full. I have been blessed by God countless times, more times than I shall ever know or ever imagine. That is not ignorance, despite not knowing. Innocence may be here for some, but for most that have come to God, they have lost theirs. I am one, but in only certain ways. All people have sinned, and I am no exception. I shall never be an exception to that. But that does not mean that I do not have hope for my future with the Lord.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Pray to Him, and ask Him. He will answer. But in His time. Be strong, despite hearing something like that, I need it at times. I have come to places where I have despised the simplist of advice or guidance, only to learn later that it was an action made in anger.
Learn. Do not bottle up the anger only to hate or despise those who can help you.
Bless them in return. Because despite all you may be, someone will help you. And that one, is God.
July 22, 2015 - Gathering up all these new experiences, although most certainly hesitantly from the beginning, I have learned to gather my courage, because no matter how poorly some may turn out. I just know that I may end up regretting not having taken a chance.
Whatever it may be, a day with friends, a new place to eat, a special place to go or a new band to try. Whatever it is, I feel a regret when I don't take the plunge. To not take a step, to not try something new, to take risks that if they end badly would surely not be pleasant, but let me tell you something.
Often times the end result is never as bad as I would have felt had I not taken a chance.
For me not to take a chance now is rejecting a chance to grow. To become someone more knowledgable and wise, to not learn about another piece of this world that I live in, to not see the stars in the skies and heavens. To lose hold of a piece of the reality that truly glows bright. A shining part of this life that I have been given as a gift. Is not for me to simply squander. I have no wish for that. I wish to live.
I don't want to survive.
I don't want to exist.
I. Want. To. Live.
And I will do so, and I'll take that risk. It'll be a weird feeling in my stomach as I take a risk, because for the longest time that's not who I was. But I am tired of being that girl stuck at the back of the room waiting for someone to make eye contact with me. True I'll stand in the corner if I need space. And I'll sometimes wait till I see a friend before moving around to much, but I'm not scared any longer to walk into that crowd and find someone. To walk out and be me and not care who in the world would judge me for it.
I have tried being the people pleaser.
I have tried being the up to date kid.
I've tried not being me.
And it sucks.
So I don't care. I'm me. And I've never felt better about that. I love being me more than any other shell may have made me feel. And if someone doesn't like me, true it'll sting, but I know then that they aren't accepting me for something I'm not, they are seeing me as I truly am, and I would rather you not hang out with me if all you expect is someone who fits your society mold of perfect. Because news flash people. People aren't perfect. And I sure as well wont try to be, because I'm not going to be something I'm not.
But that doesn't mean I'll be cruel.
I'm not going to lash out at people because I want to.
I wont hurt others just for kicks.
Because that isn't me.
I want to be a Lady. Care to tell me how many true women you have seen that would qualify to be a lady, a true lady of God. I am aspiring not only to know Him better, but I am striving to be better. I want to know Him, and I want to be in His presence. I want to be the woman He has planned me to be. And I don't want my own selfish reasoning to get in the way of that. And I certainly wont let the stupidity of society get in my way.
So here is another short thing that I will tell myself, and to those of you that need to hear it.
You are accepted. And you are loved. God is listening, there isn't something special you need to do for Him to hear you. You can talk to Him in the car, in the street, in the house, in bed, sheesh, I've talked to Him in the grocery store once I think.
I have struggled with mind over heart. Because what the heart believes the mind will sometimes try to disprove. I have had my heart broken countless times by myself and my own stupidity. And I am not wanting that to happen again. But I know it will. It's inevitable. But although I may not be unbreakable. God is. And He picks up the fractured pieces that is me. And I will wait. I have waited, and I have listened, and even though I may not be sure at times it is Him. I shut myself up. I over analyze, and that is sometimes a massive weakness. I listen with my heart, and it has led me true. My mind becomes clouded, and my thoughts aren't my own at times. Because evil exists. But an even greater and more beautiful light called Love exists as well.
To listen to my heart in matters, it is right, but that doesn't mean it's always right. I listen to the arguments my heart and mind will make. Though more often now I follow my heart, because of this world I have to listen at times to my head. But when things go right, I know I have picked the right thing. But most often of all, I listen to both, and I reason with both, and in the end, I will decide with both. I am either all there, or I am not. I am no longer an in-between. I have decided in me, to be there, or not. I am either one or the other, because indecicivness, has been my own downfall, forever lost in thought, weighing both choices for hours on end, till the time has passed and I never picked a side because I didn't want to miss either. But I only fooled myself. I cannot have everything, and although it's sad sometimes. I know it's real, but it doesn't stop me.
It will never stop me from trying, to be the very best, that God has made me to be.
-Mae
July 16, 2015 - The goal for a blog for me, is a number of things. One is to continue to write no matter the time or the circumstance, and to keep myself as on top of things as I can be. Although there will always be a time and a day where things will be full blown out of my control; I can always count on God to be there to calm my storm. I have made a resolution to read my bible more, and so far have kept that promise to myself, along with a few other things. But this also will serve as a reminder to me about the days that I've experienced wonderful/sad/happy/frightening/miraculous/tragic/beautiful things. I wish to remember, and although my memory on it's own serves me best it can, I know that I forget things, and I have no wish to forget. Despite the number of people in life that may wish too, I have no wish to forget the life that I have lived. Because I am in all of it.
So for here, I'll add a list each season, or whenever I need too, seeing my goal's change and keeping past promises to myself. Keeping track and keeping hold of everything that I promise. If I cant fulfill a promise now, I'll keep trying until I can.
Summer 2015 - A brief list
#1. Learn as much as I can
#2. Be the best I can be
#3. Connect stronger with God
#4. And do the things that have been set in my heart to do!
-Mae
August 22, 2015 - I just reread all of what I had written before on this page. And guess what. I had forgotten most of it. I feel slightly sad that I hadn't remembered what I had written here, as it is so deeply important to me. But also, I felt a pulse, and a flutter in me, as it was like reading it for the first time. And seeing the words I have written in times of strength and truth, for me in the times of hardship, pain, or confusion. My life is never going to be the same as it once was. Not a day, not a week, not a year. Not a moment. All of it is past, thought all of it was once a future. To me. I live my life differently than I had planned at a younger age. Though more and more I am slowly seeing pieces of a world I had once envisioned come to life. Parts of me are more broken than others, and even with daily struggles of simply the things that life bring, I am becoming someone better. More me. More a lady and woman of God. I have had both my faith and my trust tested before, and to say that writing this comes easily knowing that anyone could read it, is half lie, half truth. Because I am putting myself on the spot. I am writing words that I will read again in a months time, or possibly even longer. And I will know that a me of the past had the guts and the courage to write something that has effected me in the future. I've discovered old journal entries, old letters, heck, I've found old scraps of paper from 2007 with just a random scribble on them that have something on them that shows me. It shows me. It shows me before the world got inside my head! Before the things of life gathered and rivaled itself before me. Before society was even a word in my vocabulary. So many things! So much crap in this life has put stress, and hurt, and pain in my and people I loves hearts. But underneath it all.... underneath absolutely everything. Whispers. Whispers of a life that had a playful, thoughtful, and in some senses perfect mind. I will not say I have been ruined. Because that is not what it is. I have not been destroyed, because that is not the same as what this is. Losing the innocence of a childhood, is something that is both painful, but part of life. But what does that even mean. A part of life. Innocence is something that does not equal ignorance.
Ignorance: Lack of knowledge or information.
Innocence: Lack of guile or corruption.
You can be one without the other, because it works both ways. That is a fact of life. But just as this is.
Knowledge: facts, information, and skills acquired by a person through experience or education.
Experience: practical contact with and observation of facts or events.
Wisdom: the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment; the quality of being.
How does one equal with the other, yet manage to be unable to surpass one without attaining or granting the other. Knowledge, you gain through learning, but in learning you gain the experience of knowing what you need to do to attain more knowledge. But in that, you have experience, the experience which grants you the wisdom to know what to do, whilst also attaining the knowledge of the subject matter. They go hand in hand, and none of them stop. You cannot remove one without the others suffering in return. You remove knowledge, you are also losing the wisdom. However, knowledge may come after experience, which should gain you wisdom. Yet wisdom may only come after knowledge has been attained. You may have knowledge, and yet not experience. You may have experience, but not knowledge. Yet you cannot have wisdom, without either of the aforementioned.
How to live in a life where things prove to be both deadly and cruel. That is a thing many have wondered, and sadly many more shall. But yet for all we have a hope. And that is God, and the holy trinity. Father God, Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ. All three. To be in a place where you know Him, is to be full. I have been blessed by God countless times, more times than I shall ever know or ever imagine. That is not ignorance, despite not knowing. Innocence may be here for some, but for most that have come to God, they have lost theirs. I am one, but in only certain ways. All people have sinned, and I am no exception. I shall never be an exception to that. But that does not mean that I do not have hope for my future with the Lord.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Pray to Him, and ask Him. He will answer. But in His time. Be strong, despite hearing something like that, I need it at times. I have come to places where I have despised the simplist of advice or guidance, only to learn later that it was an action made in anger.
Learn. Do not bottle up the anger only to hate or despise those who can help you.
Bless them in return. Because despite all you may be, someone will help you. And that one, is God.
July 22, 2015 - Gathering up all these new experiences, although most certainly hesitantly from the beginning, I have learned to gather my courage, because no matter how poorly some may turn out. I just know that I may end up regretting not having taken a chance.
Whatever it may be, a day with friends, a new place to eat, a special place to go or a new band to try. Whatever it is, I feel a regret when I don't take the plunge. To not take a step, to not try something new, to take risks that if they end badly would surely not be pleasant, but let me tell you something.
Often times the end result is never as bad as I would have felt had I not taken a chance.
For me not to take a chance now is rejecting a chance to grow. To become someone more knowledgable and wise, to not learn about another piece of this world that I live in, to not see the stars in the skies and heavens. To lose hold of a piece of the reality that truly glows bright. A shining part of this life that I have been given as a gift. Is not for me to simply squander. I have no wish for that. I wish to live.
I don't want to survive.
I don't want to exist.
I. Want. To. Live.
And I will do so, and I'll take that risk. It'll be a weird feeling in my stomach as I take a risk, because for the longest time that's not who I was. But I am tired of being that girl stuck at the back of the room waiting for someone to make eye contact with me. True I'll stand in the corner if I need space. And I'll sometimes wait till I see a friend before moving around to much, but I'm not scared any longer to walk into that crowd and find someone. To walk out and be me and not care who in the world would judge me for it.
I have tried being the people pleaser.
I have tried being the up to date kid.
I've tried not being me.
And it sucks.
So I don't care. I'm me. And I've never felt better about that. I love being me more than any other shell may have made me feel. And if someone doesn't like me, true it'll sting, but I know then that they aren't accepting me for something I'm not, they are seeing me as I truly am, and I would rather you not hang out with me if all you expect is someone who fits your society mold of perfect. Because news flash people. People aren't perfect. And I sure as well wont try to be, because I'm not going to be something I'm not.
But that doesn't mean I'll be cruel.
I'm not going to lash out at people because I want to.
I wont hurt others just for kicks.
Because that isn't me.
I want to be a Lady. Care to tell me how many true women you have seen that would qualify to be a lady, a true lady of God. I am aspiring not only to know Him better, but I am striving to be better. I want to know Him, and I want to be in His presence. I want to be the woman He has planned me to be. And I don't want my own selfish reasoning to get in the way of that. And I certainly wont let the stupidity of society get in my way.
So here is another short thing that I will tell myself, and to those of you that need to hear it.
You are accepted. And you are loved. God is listening, there isn't something special you need to do for Him to hear you. You can talk to Him in the car, in the street, in the house, in bed, sheesh, I've talked to Him in the grocery store once I think.
I have struggled with mind over heart. Because what the heart believes the mind will sometimes try to disprove. I have had my heart broken countless times by myself and my own stupidity. And I am not wanting that to happen again. But I know it will. It's inevitable. But although I may not be unbreakable. God is. And He picks up the fractured pieces that is me. And I will wait. I have waited, and I have listened, and even though I may not be sure at times it is Him. I shut myself up. I over analyze, and that is sometimes a massive weakness. I listen with my heart, and it has led me true. My mind becomes clouded, and my thoughts aren't my own at times. Because evil exists. But an even greater and more beautiful light called Love exists as well.
To listen to my heart in matters, it is right, but that doesn't mean it's always right. I listen to the arguments my heart and mind will make. Though more often now I follow my heart, because of this world I have to listen at times to my head. But when things go right, I know I have picked the right thing. But most often of all, I listen to both, and I reason with both, and in the end, I will decide with both. I am either all there, or I am not. I am no longer an in-between. I have decided in me, to be there, or not. I am either one or the other, because indecicivness, has been my own downfall, forever lost in thought, weighing both choices for hours on end, till the time has passed and I never picked a side because I didn't want to miss either. But I only fooled myself. I cannot have everything, and although it's sad sometimes. I know it's real, but it doesn't stop me.
It will never stop me from trying, to be the very best, that God has made me to be.
-Mae
July 16, 2015 - The goal for a blog for me, is a number of things. One is to continue to write no matter the time or the circumstance, and to keep myself as on top of things as I can be. Although there will always be a time and a day where things will be full blown out of my control; I can always count on God to be there to calm my storm. I have made a resolution to read my bible more, and so far have kept that promise to myself, along with a few other things. But this also will serve as a reminder to me about the days that I've experienced wonderful/sad/happy/frightening/miraculous/tragic/beautiful things. I wish to remember, and although my memory on it's own serves me best it can, I know that I forget things, and I have no wish to forget. Despite the number of people in life that may wish too, I have no wish to forget the life that I have lived. Because I am in all of it.
So for here, I'll add a list each season, or whenever I need too, seeing my goal's change and keeping past promises to myself. Keeping track and keeping hold of everything that I promise. If I cant fulfill a promise now, I'll keep trying until I can.
Summer 2015 - A brief list
#1. Learn as much as I can
#2. Be the best I can be
#3. Connect stronger with God
#4. And do the things that have been set in my heart to do!
-Mae
i love this idea!
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