By the grace of God

 It is only by the grace of God that I am still standing here on this earth. It is only by the grace of God that I draw breath, and am whole. Everything I am, is by the Grace of God.

 Two years ago, a part of my life started that would not end for a long time, and is in some ways still ongoing.
 Two years ago, in 2014, unknowingly began what I would now call the year of hell.
 I was a bystander to verbal abuse and hate. I lived in close quarters with people that I became to be afraid of, and did not speak up. I hid, and I tried to hide in ways that never really worked, but have now become habits that are hard to break.
 I kept silent during the calms, for fear that a wrong word would stir up a storm from a simple disagreement.
 I often took to walking to a friends house just down the road, to see if they were outside and could hang out for a while. And to my knowledge they still don't know what transpired.
 It is only by the grace of God that I found the courage in myself to actually leave the building of my house and walk down a road by myself, even though I did not have anything to fear. I still feared.
 I learned to enjoy walking by myself even if it was a short and for the most part silent walk, because it was the time I had to myself, and had no fear of anyone else around me.
 Now, although I do not walk by myself, I still enjoy walks, even when not much talking occurs, though during some it seems odd to not speak.
 I did my best to hide symptoms of fear to my friends, shadowing the truth in half truths of what what going on with me.
 I couldn't tell them what exactly was happening because I didn't know how, or even if I should.
 It is only by the grace of God that I was able to reach out in what little ways I did.
 Things got worse and I found it harder and harder to hide. I was listening to music to drown out the sound.
 The year of hell was now taking it's second most harsh toll on me.
 It is only by the grace of God, that I did not end my own life.
 Hear me now. Please. Those of you who have this contemplation, this story is for you.
 I contemplated, and saw many opportunities. I did not take a single action to lead too it. I was afraid, so deathly afraid. I don't know what stopped me. The only thing that stopped me, was God.
 He was not done in my life then, He is not done now. I am only standing here now by His mercy, and love.
 It took me until a year and a half later, a year after the second most harshest thing happened, to admit to at least one of my elders the thoughts that had passed through my head.
 When I expected to be met with feelings and words of shame, I only met an embrace. Those of you who think this, please, I hid this from those closest to me and I got nothing but love in return. Shame is something we have instead, for feeling this way, but those who hear it, are not. I was met with an embrace, that came from more than one. It came from both my Earthly, and Heavenly Father.
 Strangely, the most harshest thing that the year of hell threw at me, did not encourage the thoughts that I had had. If anything, they showed me that they were not the answer.
 A baby boy died. My nephew, a one month old baby boy, died. And he was the most precious baby boy.
 I don't know what is harder now, seeing only one of a set of twins, or seeing twins.
 My nephew died on early Wednesday morning, and I still remember the feeling of my heart being ripped in half.
 He was not my child, but that didn't matter. My heart was torn apart inside of me, and I cannot begin to describe to you the sound that escaped my lips from my innermost being. I remember a feeling so deep inside my heart that I now do not think of most discomforts as anything to worry about. I think I am loud, but it is nothing compared to that night. I did not scream. I did not shout. I wailed. I let out a sound that only those who have done so know what it is.
 It is the sound of loss. A pain so deep that nothing else can compare, and something so dreadful that nothing can reach it to comfort it.
 I struggle to this day to sometimes feel emotions, to have them in such intensity as I once did before.
 A part of me has died, along with that little boy. Who was closer in age to me, than a sibling. A boy I saw, and held, and comforted, a little baby boy who in all aspects save one, was my brother.
 I do not refer to him, nor his twin as nephews, not to me. They are my brothers.
 I saw the first ultrasound. I saw the first clothes they were going to wear. I saw the blankets they were going to have. Including the one I made.
 That little boy is buried with a blanket I began when he came home. A blanket I thought I had plenty of time to finish.
 He never saw it. He never felt it. And I felt selfish, even though it wasn't my fault. Even though it felt like it was. I can remember my sister's face when I gave it to her, and I remember how we cried.
 I will never fully recover from any of this, and I don't want to forget it.
 This.
 This is what death is.
 Death is a pain that hurts so deep that it itself can cause even more death.
 Death is never the answer.
 It never has, and it never will be.
 Do not say you won't be missed. Do not ever say that.
 You don't know my real name, because I don't want my real name all over the internet. But this is my story, under a false name, and that hurts me to the core that I can't share this with the real name I so proudly bear.
 YOU. You reading this. Hear me out.
 You will always be missed, even if it is by those you don't realize wanted to know you more. I ache to my core when I hear of any person, who has taken their own life. I ache so badly in my heart that I have a physical pain in my chest that refuses to leave, sometimes for hours. You will be missed. Because you are important. Do you hear me? Do. You. Hear. Me?
 YOU ARE IMPORTANT. More than that, you are loved! You are loved by a God most High! And by me. And by thousands upon thousands of other people that when they hear about it, are struck to the core, like me.
 You are important.
 You are valuable.
 You are needed.
 You are wanted.
 You are loved.
 You are special.
 You are so so so so much more than anything my words could ever tell you!
 Please, so please oh please I say this from the bottom of my heart. Don't do it.
 I come from a background of people who have gone to church for ages, but I have to in all honesty say, that those who I have felt have the strongest connection with God, are those who have done His works, and followed His word.
 If you have an aversion to churches, I completely understand, and more than likely sympathize with a lot of your reasons. I am a firm Believer. I say I am a Christian. I go no further in denomination than that. I don't care, if I'm friends with a Baptist or a Catholic, I happen to have friends who happen to be from both backgrounds. I'm pretty sure I'm even friends with some other odd named denominations.
 This to say; find someone. Anyone. I say, absolutely anyone.
 The reason I say the above about churches, it because a church is not a building first, a church is the people. But I really don't care what kind of a building it is, I've met in places from old barns to restored church buildings with stained glass windows and massive pipe organs.
 Does this matter? No.
 You know what does matter?
 You knowing this one and simple fact.

God loves you.

 He loves you so very much, so deeply, so truly, and so purely. He loves you, for who you are deep inside your core. I cannot say enough the words, He loves you. Because I for so long tried to tell myself that He couldn't, till one day I saw firsthand that it was true.

 I went to a new youth group one Wednesday, and I didn't expect much. My last youth group and I didn't get along well, even after 3 years, and that is still something I am dealing with, and recovering from, because it hurt, it stung to have known people for 3 years, and to not even be really missed after leaving without a word. Only to return one day and hear, "You never texted."

 Let me tell you something. That is not a good example of a church. That is not a good example of a friend. That's not a good example of anything, really.

 I went to a new youth group on a whim almost, one Wednesday, and I remember that all I asked, almost thought as a passing thought. "I don't want to be alone at youth group." I wished, so so so deeply and badly that anyone, would talk to me, or just, something. Acknowledgement is all I really craved, and wanted, and in honesty, it is what I needed.

 I was far from alone that Wednesday.

 I was introduced, right off the bat to several girls around my age, and they stayed near me most the night, one of them sat with me, and I found out she was the preacher's daughter.

 The last church I had been too, I didn't like the speaker, and in many ways, though it may have been disrespectful, I did not think much of him.

 She is a very sweet girl, and I am still friends with her.

 I remember the first thing I was surprised about, was the music.

 Music was a very controlled thing at my last church, it always had to be so-so, or it was a look of disapprovement from the other people who were in the same sound department.

 This, this was loud. It was loud, and it was messy, it was crazy, and it was everything I loved about music. A song you can dance too, clap too, sing along with, and feel it surge through you.

 There was a point during the service, I recall them saying that they wanted everyone, if they were willing, or if they wanted to, to kneel in the aisles. And to just pray. I don't remember what exactly we were praying for, but I remember crying.

 But not for the reason you might think.

 I was crying because almost as soon as I kneeled down, not having a single clue what to think or pray for, someone came next to me, and began to pray for me.

 I have a good idea who it was, but at the time all I recognized was her shoes.

 Then, when she was done, she got up, and went to the next person, and the girl who had been kneeling down next to me, and I have her number somewhere, though I haven't seen her since... just came and wrapped her arm around me. I think it was her first time, but I think she knew. Somehow.

 I was thinking about all of this earlier tonight during youth service, looking at all the people I now know at that youth group. And I feel proud to know them.

 But the thing that has been on my mind as of late, is this.

 So many people know me, and only four know of the thoughts that transpired in my head during that year of hell, and no one else has a clue.

 If I know so many people, and so few people know, than how many have I known, that have this same thought as me?

 I'm here to tell you something:

 You are not alone.

 You are far from it. This story, and it's message are for you.

 I have known, and touched so many people since the time when I first started to falter, that now all I can think is, "Where would they be?"

 If anything, I don't live for me, I live for them. Whereas it used to be, I don't live for them, I live for me. And it was an empty life, although I did not know it.

 I am friends with people who struggle, and have difficulties, and struggle with their own demons. Those who I know have struggled with suicidal thought, depression, anxiety, PTSD, emotional and sometimes physical trauma. I have friends who's parents nearly or have divorced, at the same time I'm friends with families of more than ten kids.

 I am a mess. And so are they. But you know what. We're all together, in a mess of a world. And we can learn to do the best we can in it.

 I won't sugarcoat it saying it's all rainbows and sunshine, because it's not. But that's not to say there are no rainbows or sunshine. Any life at all has ups and downs, as a youth leader tonight while I was talking to her said. "Life is like a caterpillar. You have these ups and downs, you go up and then you go down, but when you go down, where do you always end up? Back at the top. When your down it sucks, but when you're on top it feels great. We have ups and downs because we can get too reliant on ourselves and we can start to think, 'who needs God.' But that's what the downs are for. If we get too reliant on ourselves than somethings going to change, and we're going to fall flat on our faces."

 Well I fell smack down flat on my face recently, and it hurt. It hurt, stung, and pained me so badly that I thought that I had completely lost my purpose in life. And it was scary, more than that it was terrifying.

 Tonight, I started to stand back up again, and part of that purpose was to write this. Although I want so badly to share my real name to go with this, I am not allowed too. But that should not stop any of you from knowing that what I am saying is the truth.

 God loves you, and He wants you to know it, and to come closer to Him.

 I pray for those of you who have been, or are afflicted like I once was. I know in at least some ways what it is like to be going through what you are going through. I know there is pain, and emptiness, almost like a listlessness in yourself? Please. Read what I have to say and know that I am here, and I am hoping, and praying for you. I want to be with you so that you can know that there is someone there for you, but this message is for you. To tell you that you are indeed, not alone.

 There is a Great Big God waiting for you, waiting for you to call on His name, and to ask Him into your heart. That's all it takes. Nothing fancy, no special words. Just believe, and ask.

 Ask Him in to your heart, and ask for Him. Believe in Him, and believe in His word.

 God the Father, who so loved the world, that He sent His only begotten son, to die for the sins of the world. He sent His only son, to die for our sins. You, and me. We, although we may never meet, are bound together in spirit by this. Our hearts both know the same truth, and believe in God.

 I didn't really know what it meant to have a relationship with God until this past and rather blur of a year. I don't think I really had a relationship with Him until then. I knew of Him, and I knew stuff about Him, but had never really known Him.

 Say this prayer, and speak it with your heart as well.

 God, I believe you sent your son to die for me on the cross, and that he rose on the third day. I ask that you will come into my heart, and forgive me of my sins. That you shall direct my path, Amen.

 Say a prayer, it's all it takes. Have a single mustard seed size of faith, and that's all it takes.

 Pray to God, and ask Him into your heart. I will be praying too, for blessings and healing to be on you, and for peace to rest on your heart and mind. For strength in opposition, and for courage and wisdom as well. May the Lord protect you from those who seek to harm you, and may He direct your steps in all ways.

 I pray for you, my brothers and sisters in Christ our Lord.

 I pray for you all.

 Blessings and peace on you all in the name of Jesus, amen.